God's Red Pen

In her farewell talk two months ago, my sister Saydi (now Hermana Ostler) said,

“[T]he beautiful thing about writing an essay is that you are never done. . . . True, some essays are better than others, because everyone is at a different stage of writing.  Some are still developing a thesis, some are working on finding supporting details, and others are perfecting their grammar, [but there is always something] to improve on.  Even if [it has] all the elements of a good essay, [it] can still [be] stronger.  

“Likewise, in our essays of conversion, we can always improve.  We are all at different stages, but we can all be better. So you write your essay, you get a testimony, then you get experiences, overcome trials, throw in some transitions, and add a beautiful conclusion. . . . Then you take your essay to the ultimate editor, the perfect tutor: God.  You give him your essay and say, “Look, I did it.  I got a thesis, I got my topic sentences, and transitions.  It’s all there.  I did everything you asked.  It’s done.  Now if you could just read it over, maybe check the grammar, and the commas.”  You hand Him your paper, and He takes out His red pen.  He starts marking things, crossing out sentences, circling others, writing comments in the margins. . . . Then He hands you back your paper and it is covered in red marks.  Your hearts drops, and you look at him with a question in your eyes . . . “Why?”  Then He says, “This essay is good.  But I know you can do better.” …

 “Often times we don’t understand why we must rewrite, but we do, and our essay is strengthened.  Paragraph by paragraph we improve.  Through all the hardships of life we are strengthened, and we draw closer to the Lord.” 

(Click here to read Hermana Ostler’s complete talk).

When I got home from my mission I thought my essay was pretty good.  I had become more patient, my faith had grown, and I was ready to go out and serve the Lord in whatever capacity He needed me.  I never realized how many red marks the Lord would use to mark up my paper.

While Chris and I were engaged I was blessed to obtain a job as an orthodontic assistant in Idaho Falls and Rigby.  I received good hours and the pay was better than what most newly weds get.  Since I had had previous experience as an orthodontic assistant, working at Ostler Orthodontics in Richland, WA, I thought this job would be fairly easy. 

God took out his red pen.

I had this dream of becoming the perfect wife . . . well as perfect as I could be.  I would cook amazing home cooked meals, my house would be clean, most of the time, and I would absolutely love what I do and understand everything that my husband does, because lets face it, I grew up with five boys and was constantly associating (appropriately) with elders on my mission.

God took out his red pen.

My first day in my new married ward.

God took out his red pen.

Things God wants me to improve on:

Patience

Diligence

Faith

I quickly learned my current employer expects different things of me than Dr. Ostler did.  He does things completely different than what I was used to.  For one, the schedule is unpredictable.  Before, I had a pretty good idea of what patients I would see.  I could therefore mentally prepare for the harder appointments. I no longer have that luxury.  We grab the next patient who shows up, which means I literally have seconds to mentally prepare for the longer, harder appointments.  I have learned that I usually need fair warning before I get one of those.  Secondly, my two different employers emphasized different things.  Learning what my new employer wanted was especially hard.  There are other things that has made me want to give up and quit.  At times it felt as if work was too much to handle. I would get frustrated when I couldn’t get a procedure down, or continually forget to do something. It was when I was making the half hour drive home from one particularly hard day of work that I realized the Lord is teaching me to be patient with myself in learning new procedures, and being patient with people who can be difficult to work with at times.  I knew that He expected me to be diligent in learning everything I needed to learn even if I thought there was a better way of doing things.  Ever since this time, work has been easier.  The stress of work has not gone away, but I now know what the Lord wants me to do. 

I normally get home around 6 p.m.  That’s when most people have dinner.  That’s when I start cooking it.  As a new wife I wanted to make sure Chris always had enough to eat, which is sometimes hard to do, and that he actually liked it, which isn’t hard to do.  Keeping a clean house where the Spirit can reside isn’t the easiest thing when I’m only home for 4 hours out of the day, and 2 of those hours consist of cooking and eating.  There was still the cleaning up to do, the visiting teaching to do, the writing in the journal, the scripture study, the temple attendance, the visiting with old friends, the making of new ones, and the spending quality time with my husband to do.  By the end of the day I was exhausted.

I quickly became overwhelmed with my responsibilities as a homemaker and a breadwinner.  A few breakdowns later, and some counsel with Chris and the Lord, I am coming to realize that the Lord wants me to trust in Him.  He does not expect me to be the perfect homemaker, especially when I have a full-time job.  He does expect me to do the best I can in my duties.  Since this realization, my stress level of feeding Chris has gone done because I usually have plenty of time to cook something for him, with his help of course.  The messy house doesn’t bother me as much, especially when there is no time to clean it, and I have found that more often then not the house stays pretty clean, thanks to Chris always helping me with the dishes.  Time to visit teach, to fulfill my calling, to visit with friends, and to even start a few crafty projects has appeared out of no where.  Through all of this the Lord still wants me to trust in Him, and to rely on Him for the strength and energy I need.

My entire Rexburg life (nine semesters, fourteen-weeks long) I have attended singles wards.  Being thrust into a young married ward threw me upside down on my already corkscrewed rollercoaster.  I was sitting next to married couples in Sacrament Meeting who were in the same boat as I was!  And my boat wasn't very sturdy at times.  After the first day of church I had so many thoughts chasing each other around in my head: How was I supposed to act around them?  What were our conversations supposed to be like?  What about the activities we do?   I was clueless when it came to constantly associating with married couples.  Then the bishop called Chris and I into his office and told me that the Relief Society President wanted me to be her 1^st Counselor.  After I accepted the calling I thought, “I’m in an environment that is new to me.  I don’t know how to talk to other married women, and I don’t know what they could possibly be struggling with.  Now you want me to be part of the leadership of these women?”  As I stood to be sustained the next Sunday I was terrified that I wouldn’t know how to fulfill my calling. 

My fear was realized in my first couple of presidency meetings. I sat, listening to the president and 2^nd counselor talk about different girls in the ward and how we could help them.  I didn’t know any of the girls.  I sometimes felt like a worthless piece of rock on a seashore.  I didn’t know which girls would be good at fulfilling different callings, and I had no idea, which girls needed help or even how to help them. Overtime I did realize that what the Lord wanted me to do was to be diligent.  I tried my best to learn the girl’s names (I’m still learning) and willingly visited different girls to see how they were doing.  In the end I did what I was asked to do.

My diligence paid off.

Our Relief Society president moved, and a new one was called.  She kept me in as her 1^st counselor.  When I stood up in church to be sustained I felt more confident than I did three months before.  I now knew most of the girls and what they needed.  I knew that this semester I could better help the girls I serve.

President Uchtdorf stated, “Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness.”

I am learning that no matter what stage of life I’m in, God will always take out his red pen and mark up my essay. 

Mountains to Climb

The air couldn’t have felt cleaner and clearer than it did the morning we climbed Badger Mt.  I had this crazy date idea a few days before to climb Badger Mt.  Our group of six, me and Chris, Harrison and Brittany, and Christian and Lauren, walked along Dallas road to the base of the trail.  I thought that the hike wouldn’t be too hard, maybe a few steep spots, but for the most part pretty easy.  (Shows how many times I’ve climbed Badger Mt.). I was certain that the view from the top would be absolutely amazing.  A few nights previous Chris and I had driven up another part of Badger Mt., and the Tri-Cities at night was a sight to behold.  I couldn’t wait to see it during the day.

The "kids" climbing Badger Mt.

As we started to climb my breath became shorter, and my heart rate sped up.  My muscles were aching by the time we reached the halfway point.  I knew I was out of shape, but I didn’t know I was that out of shape.  I soon realized there were several factors that I hadn’t calculated into the hike that contributed to my “out of shapeness.”  One was that Chris and I were talking a lot, which caused me to suck even more air than normal.  A second factor was that as we continued to climb so did the sun.  Sweat dripped from my forehead.  There were also times that a road would cut through the trial and we would have to ask Harrison which why we needed to go.

As I reflect back on our ascent I think of our lives.  How many times do we start a journey in life anticipating it to be only slightly challenging?  At the beginning we think we can see the path to the top clearly, but in reality the only one who can see it is our Heavenly Father.  Hardly known to us are all the obstacles that will befall us.  Heavenly Father prepares us though, and provides ways for us to overcome them so that we can reach the top.  The best and only way to reach the top safely is through our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Our journeys are easier when we follow the paths that the Lord has set forth for us.  They are clearly marked and easy to follow.  Sometimes while traveling up the switchbacks of life it’s tempting to cut corners.  But as Chris so wisely taught me when I suggested cutting corners up the mountain, it harms the wildlife.  The trails we walk on were made for a reason.  Cutting them ruins the trails and creates runoffs that slowly break down the trail.  Following the marked path may take a little extra time and effort, but in the end the wildlife isn’t hurt, and accidently stepping into an unseen rabbit hole results in no sprained ankles.

As we neared the top of Badger Mt. I turned around,

“Harrison,” I called, “Are we almost there?”

“Yeah, we’ve been at the top for a while,” he said.

“Oh.”

After wiping off the slight blush that brushed my cheeks, Chris and I found a spot where we could look down at the Tri-Cities.  The view was better than I had imagined.  We could see the Columbia River sparkling in the distance, the spread of green trees that marked Richland, the new communities in West Richland, and out in the distance the fields of wheat, corn, and alfalfa.  The view wouldn’t have been as beautiful if the journey hadn’t been so difficult.

This is also the case in our life’s journeys.  At the end of our own personal mountains we climb, whether they are mountains of physical pain, emotional trials, family problems, or sin, the view is amazing when we get past those obstacles and finally arrive at the top. 

Chris and I at the top of Badger Mt. with the Tri-Cities
stretched out behind us

Our journey’s through life reminds me of a song by Hilary Weeks,

I had it all mapped out in front of me

Just where I wanted to go

But life decided to change my place

And I found a mountain in the middle of my road

I knew there was no way to move it

So I searched for a way around

Broken hearted I started to climb it

And at the top I found

Every fear every doubt

All the pain I went through

Was the price that I paid to see this view,

And know that I’m here I would never trade

The grace that I feel

And the faith that I find

Through the bittersweet tears

And the sleepless nights

I used to pray He’d take it all away

But instead it became

A beautiful heartbreak

Climbing mountains is hard, but it’s necessary to make us stronger, and to better prepare us to meet our God at the end of our lives.

And just a pointer when climbing mountains (whether they be physical or spiritual) it’s better to climb with someone rather than alone.  ;)  If they’re cute it makes it a whole lot better.

Beauty and Laughter

“[E]very life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don’t sing, and the bells don’t ring.”

The stage was dark.  I could make out a group of dancers kneeling together on left stage.  A loud note sounded, and the lights on the stage came on dimly while a dancer jumped over the kneeling group.  All the dancers were dressed in black, with bits of shinny fabric that looked like shards of glass, woven into their shirts.  They glinted off the lights as the dancers’ movements became sharp and aggressive.  It was almost like a jazz style of hip-hop.  Their faces looked as if they were in spiritual pain—they were miserable and lost.

 “Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result.”

As the dance progressed, I pushed my back into my seat, hoping that the dancers pain wouldn’t flow into my heart.  Didn’t the choreographer know that the name of this program was “Beauty and Laughter”?  This dance was not portraying Beauty or Laughter.  It made me think of all those people in the world who didn’t understand why hard times happen—they didn’t understand the purpose of life. 

Gradually the music changed.  It wasn’t loud and sharp; there were now violins, cellos, and flutes, slowly filling the air with hope. The dancers stopped making aggressive movements.  They quizzically looked at one another, at their hands, at their surroundings.  Their dancing became more fluid and beautiful.  The sparkles woven into their black shirts glinting in the stage lights.  The dancers were coming to understand that there was hope in this life full of pain and suffering.  I soon realized that this dance was about redemption. 

“Adversity, if handled correctly, can be a blessing in our lives . . . We can say, as did my mother, ‘Come what may, and love it.’” ~ Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

This semester Extravadance (the dance company at BYU-Idaho) preformed dances about the Beauty and Laughter seen in the world. 

There is Beauty all around us, each and everyday.  Everyone finds it in different ways.  Some find Beauty in the regal mountains, some in song, some in work, others in family.  Despite all these things God has given us, there is still pain and suffering in our lives.

The other day I was having a hard time.  I didn’t know what Heavenly Father wanted me to do with my life.  My future was foggy.  I couldn’t even see past the end of the month.

As I sat at the edge of my bed contemplating certain events that had taken place in my life, a peaceful feeling lightly touched my heart.  I knew that Heavenly Father was there, and that He was aware of me.  He would guide my life in the way it needed to go.  My attitude of “Come what may and love it” changed my perspective.

“There is beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity that we sometimes do not appreciate in our thirst for intricate solutions.” ~Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

As I sat in my seat at Extravadance, I glanced down at my program finding the name of the last dance, “Beauty and Laughter” by: Mormon Tabernacle Choir. 

That’s weird, I thought.  I didn’t know that they had a song called that.

As the opening chords sounded I recognized the song, as “This is the Christ.”  As I watched the dancers, all dressed in white, move gracefully across the stage, I noticed that each was happy to be alive—to be dancing.   I realized this last dance summed up what all the other dances were portraying—that Christ was the reason we have Beauty and Laughter.  If it were not for His Atonement, Death, and Resurrection, then we would not have life.  We would be experiencing the hopeless nothingness that the dancers dressed in black had experienced.  But because of Him we can feel that gentle peace in our hearts when our future seems foggy, when friends abandon us, when loved ones are lost, and when children go astray.

This is the Christ, the holy Son of God,

Our Savior, Lord, Redeemer of mankind.

This is the Christ, the healer of our souls

Who ransomed us with love divine.

Christ is my Beauty and Laughter

Dancing in the Rain

Sitting in the exam room at the orthopedics office I stared up at the off-white ceiling, trying not to think of the gentle pain pulsing through my ankle.  I knew what the doctor was going to say when he walked in, “Your leg is still broken, and you’ll have to stay in The Boot for six more weeks.”  Well there goes my summer! 

Seven weeks ago I was sentenced to life in a walking boot in order for my stress fracture to heal.  Okay, not life, it was only six weeks, but still....  For once I walked slowly, a feat most of my mission companions couldn’t even imagine.  I didn’t go dancing, or running.  My exercise consisted of Pilates in the mornings.  (I became so tired of Pilates that I was tempted not to do them). 

Though I had to admit life in The Boot did have its perks.  It was a great conversation starter.  Many people, more than half of whom were males, would ask what had happened.  I became great at telling them the quick story then moving onto more important matters, like his name, and if he wanted to take me on a date.  Okay, I actually didn’t ask them out, but I did make a lot of friends, and I swear if it wasn’t for The Boot I wouldn’t have gotten some of the dates that I did.

*Note to self: if your lacking on dates, put The Boot on. 

Despite this I was tired of wearing The Boot.  I wanted to run, jump, and play.  Most of all I wanted to dance.  I had been hoping and praying that my leg would heal.  I knew that Heavenly Father was listening, but whether or not He would answer my pleas was a different question.  Maybe I still needed to learn a life lesson. 

I was supposed to take off The Boot on June 1^st, but alas, I was still in pain!  That’s how I ended up at the orthopedics office. 

After the looking at the x-ray, the doctor came in.  I prepared myself for the worse.

“Well Amanda,” he said, “your bone looks healed up.  I saw where the break was, and it healed over nicely.” 

Wait what?

Really! 

Oh my flip!

It took about fifteen minutes for the truth to really sink in.  When it did I cranked up Hillary Weeks, and we both jammed our hearts out on the car ride home. 

I invited my worries to step aside

I needed room to see in front of me

As the raindrops fell on my overcoat

 I let them roll right off of my back

I waited for the rainbow

Cuz me and heaven, we both know

This storm is gonna pass.

And I danced in the rain

I let my dreams know I hadn’t forget them

I let my heart take the lead

And I told my hopes to get themselves up again

And I danced (to the music of the day)

I looked (for the blue above the gray)

Yes I danced

In

the

rain.                                                                       

(Hillary Weeks “Dancing In The Rain”)

One of the best parts about not wearing The Boot is that I get to wear two shoes!  How thankful I am for Heavenly Father answering mine and other’s prayers in behalf of my leg healing.  I am Living Proof that He hears and answers the prayers of His children. 

And you better believe I’ll be out dancing!