God's Red Pen

In her farewell talk two months ago, my sister Saydi (now Hermana Ostler) said,

“[T]he beautiful thing about writing an essay is that you are never done. . . . True, some essays are better than others, because everyone is at a different stage of writing.  Some are still developing a thesis, some are working on finding supporting details, and others are perfecting their grammar, [but there is always something] to improve on.  Even if [it has] all the elements of a good essay, [it] can still [be] stronger.  

“Likewise, in our essays of conversion, we can always improve.  We are all at different stages, but we can all be better. So you write your essay, you get a testimony, then you get experiences, overcome trials, throw in some transitions, and add a beautiful conclusion. . . . Then you take your essay to the ultimate editor, the perfect tutor: God.  You give him your essay and say, “Look, I did it.  I got a thesis, I got my topic sentences, and transitions.  It’s all there.  I did everything you asked.  It’s done.  Now if you could just read it over, maybe check the grammar, and the commas.”  You hand Him your paper, and He takes out His red pen.  He starts marking things, crossing out sentences, circling others, writing comments in the margins. . . . Then He hands you back your paper and it is covered in red marks.  Your hearts drops, and you look at him with a question in your eyes . . . “Why?”  Then He says, “This essay is good.  But I know you can do better.” …

 “Often times we don’t understand why we must rewrite, but we do, and our essay is strengthened.  Paragraph by paragraph we improve.  Through all the hardships of life we are strengthened, and we draw closer to the Lord.” 

(Click here to read Hermana Ostler’s complete talk).

When I got home from my mission I thought my essay was pretty good.  I had become more patient, my faith had grown, and I was ready to go out and serve the Lord in whatever capacity He needed me.  I never realized how many red marks the Lord would use to mark up my paper.

While Chris and I were engaged I was blessed to obtain a job as an orthodontic assistant in Idaho Falls and Rigby.  I received good hours and the pay was better than what most newly weds get.  Since I had had previous experience as an orthodontic assistant, working at Ostler Orthodontics in Richland, WA, I thought this job would be fairly easy. 

God took out his red pen.

I had this dream of becoming the perfect wife . . . well as perfect as I could be.  I would cook amazing home cooked meals, my house would be clean, most of the time, and I would absolutely love what I do and understand everything that my husband does, because lets face it, I grew up with five boys and was constantly associating (appropriately) with elders on my mission.

God took out his red pen.

My first day in my new married ward.

God took out his red pen.

Things God wants me to improve on:

Patience

Diligence

Faith

I quickly learned my current employer expects different things of me than Dr. Ostler did.  He does things completely different than what I was used to.  For one, the schedule is unpredictable.  Before, I had a pretty good idea of what patients I would see.  I could therefore mentally prepare for the harder appointments. I no longer have that luxury.  We grab the next patient who shows up, which means I literally have seconds to mentally prepare for the longer, harder appointments.  I have learned that I usually need fair warning before I get one of those.  Secondly, my two different employers emphasized different things.  Learning what my new employer wanted was especially hard.  There are other things that has made me want to give up and quit.  At times it felt as if work was too much to handle. I would get frustrated when I couldn’t get a procedure down, or continually forget to do something. It was when I was making the half hour drive home from one particularly hard day of work that I realized the Lord is teaching me to be patient with myself in learning new procedures, and being patient with people who can be difficult to work with at times.  I knew that He expected me to be diligent in learning everything I needed to learn even if I thought there was a better way of doing things.  Ever since this time, work has been easier.  The stress of work has not gone away, but I now know what the Lord wants me to do. 

I normally get home around 6 p.m.  That’s when most people have dinner.  That’s when I start cooking it.  As a new wife I wanted to make sure Chris always had enough to eat, which is sometimes hard to do, and that he actually liked it, which isn’t hard to do.  Keeping a clean house where the Spirit can reside isn’t the easiest thing when I’m only home for 4 hours out of the day, and 2 of those hours consist of cooking and eating.  There was still the cleaning up to do, the visiting teaching to do, the writing in the journal, the scripture study, the temple attendance, the visiting with old friends, the making of new ones, and the spending quality time with my husband to do.  By the end of the day I was exhausted.

I quickly became overwhelmed with my responsibilities as a homemaker and a breadwinner.  A few breakdowns later, and some counsel with Chris and the Lord, I am coming to realize that the Lord wants me to trust in Him.  He does not expect me to be the perfect homemaker, especially when I have a full-time job.  He does expect me to do the best I can in my duties.  Since this realization, my stress level of feeding Chris has gone done because I usually have plenty of time to cook something for him, with his help of course.  The messy house doesn’t bother me as much, especially when there is no time to clean it, and I have found that more often then not the house stays pretty clean, thanks to Chris always helping me with the dishes.  Time to visit teach, to fulfill my calling, to visit with friends, and to even start a few crafty projects has appeared out of no where.  Through all of this the Lord still wants me to trust in Him, and to rely on Him for the strength and energy I need.

My entire Rexburg life (nine semesters, fourteen-weeks long) I have attended singles wards.  Being thrust into a young married ward threw me upside down on my already corkscrewed rollercoaster.  I was sitting next to married couples in Sacrament Meeting who were in the same boat as I was!  And my boat wasn't very sturdy at times.  After the first day of church I had so many thoughts chasing each other around in my head: How was I supposed to act around them?  What were our conversations supposed to be like?  What about the activities we do?   I was clueless when it came to constantly associating with married couples.  Then the bishop called Chris and I into his office and told me that the Relief Society President wanted me to be her 1^st Counselor.  After I accepted the calling I thought, “I’m in an environment that is new to me.  I don’t know how to talk to other married women, and I don’t know what they could possibly be struggling with.  Now you want me to be part of the leadership of these women?”  As I stood to be sustained the next Sunday I was terrified that I wouldn’t know how to fulfill my calling. 

My fear was realized in my first couple of presidency meetings. I sat, listening to the president and 2^nd counselor talk about different girls in the ward and how we could help them.  I didn’t know any of the girls.  I sometimes felt like a worthless piece of rock on a seashore.  I didn’t know which girls would be good at fulfilling different callings, and I had no idea, which girls needed help or even how to help them. Overtime I did realize that what the Lord wanted me to do was to be diligent.  I tried my best to learn the girl’s names (I’m still learning) and willingly visited different girls to see how they were doing.  In the end I did what I was asked to do.

My diligence paid off.

Our Relief Society president moved, and a new one was called.  She kept me in as her 1^st counselor.  When I stood up in church to be sustained I felt more confident than I did three months before.  I now knew most of the girls and what they needed.  I knew that this semester I could better help the girls I serve.

President Uchtdorf stated, “Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness.”

I am learning that no matter what stage of life I’m in, God will always take out his red pen and mark up my essay.