The Empty Stocking

The stockings hung by the fireplace with care, for Saint Nicholas had already been there.  One held a stuffed kitty, the other a book.  Both had socks and a bit of chocolate. 

The third one was empty. 

The mother stood by the cold fireplace staring at the third, empty stocking.  It was the first year of her life that her stocking had been empty.  There was no one to fill it with chocolate coins, CDs, socks, miniature candles, gift cards, and as always, an orange snuggled in the bottom of the toe. 

This empty stocking didn’t mean no one loved her, and it didn’t mean people had forgotten about her.  It meant she was Santa’s Helper now.  She wasn’t the one who would wake up in the middle of the night to see if Santa had come.  Instead, she was the one who would hope her children would sleep past 5 A.M. Christmas morning.  She was the one wrapping presents on Christmas Eve.  She was the one who filled the stockings with care, and she was now the one who would gently place a candy cane on her two children’s pillows. 

She knew the empty stocking meant it was her turn to see the joy on her children’s faces when they woke up the next morning to find a slide, books, and a doll under the tree.  The empty stocking was a mark of growing up and carrying on the magic of Christmas. 

Next to the empty stocking was a small hand carved nativity set made out of wood from an olive tree in Jerusalem.  She thought of the cold night over 2,000 years ago that inspired this carving.  His mother laid Christ, who never had a stocking of His own, in a manger.  That day He gave the world hope.  He filled each person’s stocking with the gift of salvation.  And still, no one filled His stocking.  Instead He was betrayed, beaten, and crucified. 

The mother’s eyes flickered from her empty stocking to the carving of the Christ Child.  She realized her stocking was far from empty.  Not only had Christ given her the gift of salvation, He had also given her the knowledge of His Gospel, He had given her two wonderful children who, though they filled her days with work and stress, they filled her heart with joy and love.  He had given her a home where she could provide a shelter for her children, not only from the snowstorms, but also from the evils of the world.  He had given her the capacity to love, and the strength to persevere.  He had given her friends and family to support her.  2,000 years ago Christ had made it possible so she could live again with her family. 

She carefully rearranged the kitty in her daughter’s stocking, hoping one day her children’s stockings would hang “empty” over the fireplace as well. 

The Three 'Ps' of Parenting

Lilly was placed on my chest after she was born for some skin to skin bonding time.  She stayed there for thirty minutes.  When they took her off so we could both get cleaned up the nurse said, “Oh no, she pooped on you!”

And that was the beginning of a wonderful relationship!

Since then she hasn’t stopped popping on me.  One time her poop not only sprayed all over me, but also on my dry clean only jacket that was lying behind be.  She’s got good aim.  One time she had such a bad blowout it soaked her clothes clear up to her armpit.  I soon realized pooping wasn’t the only thing Lilly was good at.  She also had a knack for peeing all over herself in that couple seconds when the old diaper is removed from underneath her and the new one is not yet in place.  A favorite pass time of hers is puking all over me, even when I have a burp rag in place.  She still manages to get it on my clothes and down my back occasionally.  (It hasn’t ended up in my mouth yet, thank goodness!)

She even pukes on herself

Pooping, Peeing, and Puking.  Three things Lilly excels in.

Though parenting is messy it has its moments of laughter too.  Every day around 6 a.m. Lilly will wake us up to be fed.  Chris loves the morning smile Lilly gives him.  

When she’s done eating, Lilly will have a dribble of milk coming from her mouth, and sometimes milk is smeared all over her cheek and chin.  I can’t help but laugh.  When she cries she’ll make a sound that sounds like she’s saying “Mah.”  I know I shouldn’t find her crying humorous, but sometimes I do. 

One of her pooping faces

With these fun and exciting times also come those difficult times.   I know I can’t be the only mom who thinks she is incompetent to be a mom.  Wondering why God would call her to be one when she feels she is failing at least several times a week.  Yet God called me, and thousands of others to be mothers.  Some of us don’t have our own children here in this life, for whatever reason, but each woman is a mother to someone in some way.  And God didn’t leave us alone. 

He gave us Prayer, Patience, and Perseverance. 

I think the only time I have ever prayed more in my life is when I was on my mission.  I offer constant daily prayers up to the Lord to help me know how to care for my daughter.  I pray for strength to get through those nights when Chris is gone and Lilly is crying.  I’ve prayed in the middle of the night, in the middle of the day, when all I want is sleep and Lilly is wide awake.  I’ve prayed for the strength to get through each hour.  Though I’ve never had an angel visit me and calm Lilly, I have gotten through those difficult times as a mom.  I believe the Lord is with me even if I can’t feel Him with me all the time.

Even Lilly prays

I have had to work on patience my entire life.  For some reason when it comes to Lilly I am patient…for the most part.  I do have my moments of impatience, but overall I can handle her crying, I can walk around with her on my shoulder much longer than I thought I could, and playing with her isn’t a problem for me.  I know that each stage of her life only happens once.  I try to be patient during the difficult times because I know I’ll be blessed with the fun and good times.

I remember there were a few weeks when Lilly loved waking up at 3 a.m. and staying up until 7 a.m.  If my sleep schedule wasn’t off at that time, it certainly got off!  Then there are the several times when Lilly will go through several diapers in one changing because off all the peeing and pooping she does.  And I can’t forget those long evenings when Chris is gone to school and/or work when I’ve already had a long day and am exhausted.  During these times I know I need to persevere.  It’s more than just enduring.  Enduring is what I did as a kid when my brother would constantly pick on me.  Persevering is what I do when times are really tough as a mom.  I know that Lilly’s crying session will be over, that one day she’ll be potty trained, and Chris will have a set time he’ll come home from work to help me with the kids.  But for now I persevere. 

I have hope in my heart that the Lord will help me through the challenges of motherhood.  I have joy knowing I get to watch my daughter grow up.  I have peace knowing how infinitely she trusts me (for now). 

Though there will continue to be a lot of Pooping, Peeing, and Puking, I thank my Heavenly Father He gave me Prayer, Patience, and Perseverance

We love our little girl

I'd Rather Be A Mom

The priesthood has always been essential in my life. 

The first time I remember asking my father for a blessing was after an American’s hockey game.  I was about eight years old.  My eyes were so goopy I couldn’t see out of them.  Our neighbor came over and helped my dad give me a priesthood blessing.  The next morning I could see again!  Looking back I realize my eyes would have probably cleared up if I hadn’t received a blessing.  However, as an eight-year old my faith in the priesthood had been strengthened. 

When I was nineteen years old I was having major young adult issues over Thanksgiving break.  When I arrived home for the break I asked my dad for a blessing.  He gave me a blessing of comfort.  I knew that though everything may not turn out the way I wanted it to at the time, it would eventually be okay.  The next month was a rocky one as I navigated my way through life and sought answers from the Lord.  Though life continued to be hard for a few months I saw blessing arise out of the situation.  In those months of uncertainty and pain, it was the words of a priesthood blessing that saw me through in one piece.

On my mission I was infected with an extremely bad and painful sinus infection that even antibiotics didn’t chase away.  The doctor wouldn’t give me any more antibiotics, saying I had to wait at least five weeks.  There was no way I could physically do the work of a missionary with my sinus infection.  My faithful companion advised me to receive a blessing.  I struggled with that at first.  I had only ever received blessings from men whom I had known very well.  I felt insecure asking an elder whom I had only met twice for a blessing.  In addition, did I really believe a blessing could heal me?  For several hours I thought about it.  I finally told my companion to go ahead and call the elder.  Later that day he gave me one of the most powerful blessings I had ever received.  He addressed some of the worries I had had about missionary life and my personal life that I had only told my companion about.  I was emotionally healed that day.  Several days later I was physically healed.

After giving birth to Lilly I suffered from many post-partum problems.  I asked my husband for a blessing.  Though I still struggle with several of those problems, I know that because of the blessing I have become stronger and am able to slowly overcome the challenges I am facing.

In addition to receiving many blessing throughout my life, the priesthood has blessed me in other ways.  Each week I partake of the sacrament, which is blessed by the priesthood.  I was baptized and sealed by the authority of the priesthood.   I have faithful home teachers who fulfill their priesthood duties each month by visiting my family, becoming our friends, and making sure we are doing okay.  I have had wonderful bishops whom I’ve sat in counsel with as I’ve struggled through teenage years, prepared for a mission, and prepared for marriage.

As a woman I have never once wondered why I am not able to hold the priesthood. Today there are women who feel entitled to hold the priesthood and are petitioning church leaders to allow them to be ordained to the priesthood, obtaining priesthood responsibilities. 

Though the priesthood has blessed my life, the priesthood is not for me.  Each time I asked for a blessing the brethren who gave the blessing were fulfilling their roles as priesthood holders.  As men and women we each have different roles and I know my role is not to hold the priesthood.  My role is to support the priesthood in my home.  As the patriarch of our home, Chris makes the major decisions pertaining to our family.  He clearly understands this.  Further, he clearly understands that before making a decision he needs to counsel with his wife (me).  The other day he was talking to me about a decision he had to make.  I felt in my heart that whatever decision he would make would be beneficial to our family. He would not lead our family astray, so to speak. 

I personally have too many other things to worry about without having the responsibilities Chris has.  I have to worry about getting rid of Lilly’s diaper rash, feeding her 6-8 times a day, making sure Chris eats at least one thing during the day, doing the laundry, making sure you can at least see the floor from time to time in our apartment, and figuring out what in the world is wrong with Lilly when she’s bawling her eyes out, among other things.  I don’t want the responsibility of providing for the family, making major decisions that will affect this family’s future, going to endless priesthood meetings, on top of all the other duties I preform as the matriarch. 

In addition to not wanting the responsibilities of the priesthood, I understand that Chris and I both can’t have the priesthood.  It wouldn’t work.  He has the priesthood, and I have motherhood.  He is the patriarch and I am the matriarch.  They fit together like puzzle pieces.  He is to preside and protect, while I am to nurture and be a homemaker.  If we were both supposed to provide and protect it would be like this…

And who would be there to nurture and be a homemaker?

I want my home to be like puzzle pieces that fit.

When women say they want the priesthood they are essentially saying they don’t want the gift and role of motherhood.  They want the role of a man instead.  That’s understandable.  Look at the world.  Women are demanding the same pay as men. They are demanding the same jobs as men, and the same privileges.  I 100 percent agree with equality for women. What some people don’t understand is that men and women are equal in the church even if we don’t have the same responsibilities.

You never hear about the boys in the Church wanting the woman’s job.  “I just want to stay at home all day, wipe poopy booties, do the never-ending pile of laundry and dishes, coordinate six different schedules, make sure dinner is ready in between everyone’s schedule, break up fights, make sure homework is done, chores are completed, and ‘Yes Evan can go to Billy’s house if he’s nice to his brother today,’ said no man ever.  Well at least the men I’ve known.  They are happy with their role in the home and in the church.  So why can’t women be happy with theirs without wanting more? 

Though a mother’s job is extremely hard and demanding, it is so rewarding.  Though Lilly is only two months old I have been there everyday of her life.  I was there when she first smiled, when she rolled over on her side.  I helped give her, her first bath.  I’ll be there when she laughs for real for the first time, when she sits up, when she crawls, when she walks, when she talks.  Mothers have a special connection with their children fathers don’t have.  In our house we call it Mommy Powers.  I wouldn’t give up my Mommy Powers for the priesthood.

I believe men have a special connection to their children women don’t have.  This connection comes through the priesthood. 

The first time Chris used the priesthood to directly bless Lilly was when he gave her a name and a blessing in church.  The blessing he gave was powerful.  After the blessing he held Lilly and looked at her for a long time.  A connection was passing between father and daughter.  I knew it was because of the power of the priesthood that Chris felt that connection with our daughter.  He had just given her a powerful blessing—receiving revelation for her that would guide her throughout her life.  This was something that I would never experience. I was not jealous at all.  I had felt this connection before with my own father. 

Chris, Lilly, and I on Lilly's blessing day.  

Those women who want the priesthood can go ahead and want it all they want.  They will most likely never get it, because it isn’t a policy issue, its doctrine.  But the priesthood is not for me.  I’d rather be a mom.