Sticks and Stones

“Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”

Remember that cliché growing up? 

It’s an unsaid motto in my parent’s house.

If you know my family we love to tease. 

For example, my brother Jackson often tells my sister Saydi, she is “Faaaat…tastic.”

Saydi doesn’t get offended.

We often tease my dad about him going bald.

He doesn’t get offended.

We used to call my brother Jefferson a food police (he knew what everyone ate and how much they ate, and determined if that was a fair helping or not).

He didn’t get offended.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the topic of offense and felt I should share some of my thoughts.

Taking offense, especially when no offense is meant can ruin relationships. 

Saydi is in Chile serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Later-day Saints.   She recently had an interview with her mission president who asked her a lot of questions about one of her former companions.  This is what she said:

“…[A]pparently I am the only companion Hermana P has had that she hasn’t had problems with, and [President] wanted to know why.  I was honest with him and told him that being with Hermana P wasn’t the easiest thing, but that I truly tried to love her and accept her how she was.  I remembered that Hermana P said things how they were, which often had a tendency to hurt people’s feelings or to offend people when no offense was meant.  I told President that in our house we were always taught to not take offense when none is meant...”

Because my sister didn’t let some of the words her companion said negatively affect her, Saydi was able to develop a good relationship with her.  Hermana P never meant to hurt Saydi, and Saydi saw that.  She let the things her companion said roll off her shoulders. 

It seems as if Hermana P’s other companions didn’t do this.  Because they took offense they didn’t have a good relationship with Hermana P.  Think of the friendships that could have blossomed if these companions had accepted Hermana P for who she was and loved her as Christ loves her.  Instead they chose to take offense at what Hermana P said when no offense was meant.

My mother always taught us that being offended is a choice.  Many people say, “He/she offended me.”  I think to myself, “No, they said or did something, and you chose to be offended.”

Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said,

“…[I]t ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.”

It’s one thing to feel hurt, betrayed, uncomfortable, etc. by what someone has said or done, but it’s another thing to be offended.  Certainly there will (and have been) times in our lives that someone has said or done something where we had the opportunity to take offense.  How much more enabling would it be if we choose not to take offense, especially when no offense is meant.  When we take offense we let a situation control us, instead of us controlling the situation.  Elder Bednar continues to say,

“To believe that someone or something can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have the power to act and to choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation.”

I have seen people let themselves become victims because they let a situation control them.  They lost the power to act because they chose to be offended.  It was like watching them choose to chug a quart of pickle juice, then blaming someone else for the sour taste in their mouth.  Not only was there a sour taste in their mouth, but they brought down the people around them as well.  They wanted others to feel sorry for them, to take their side against the person who offended them.  Can you see how this could ruin relationships? 

Sometimes responding to a hurtful situation is necessary.   Confronting the person who said/did something hurtful in a kind manner.  In my own marriage there have been times when one of us has said or done something that has hurt the other person.  Instead of letting that come between us, we go to each other and say, “Hey, what you said/did hurt me.”  We work it out.  We apologize.  We repent.  We forgive.  

“Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”

Words can hurt us.  I have felt the sting of words in my own life.  But don’t throw away relationships because someone has offended you. 

Choose not to be offended and your life will be happier and freer.